Father's Day

Nothing to see here...

It's been a while since my last update and nothing much has changed.

I could have posted that I saw what I thought was a BFP was actually an evap line and I am not using the First Response dip strips ever again.

I could have posted that my last cycle was back to normal after a strangely longer cycles last month.

I could have posted that because of that evap line I took another test after AF has passed and saw the same line, only to be followed by a digital test showing clearly Not Pregnant.

I could have posted about being completely downhearted that I am approaching yet another miscarriage anniversary and we still don't have a baby to bring home.

But I didn't.

I'm so tired of posting bad news. I'm completely tired of being told to get over it, keep positive, wait for God or whatever other platitudes I am thrown.

But now I am approaching my next fertile window and that persistent optimism starts creeping back. The little whisper in the heart that says, maybe this is the one.

Nothing but waiting...

AF took 7 days longer than normal to arrive. A 38 day cycle and I tested almost every day. By the time I was 4 days late and still getting those BFNs I pretty much gave up hope of actually being pregnant and just waited for AF to arrive. It HAS to be the metformin, there's no other explanation. I started spotting at cd36, then nothing cd37... even today when I say AF is here, it's still so light. Maybe I have just forgotten what a normal period feels like, as I have no cramping or anything.

I'm just so upset that I didn't see this coming. I haven't used OPKs for months as my cycle has been so regular, and now I feel like I am starting all over again. The only possible plus to this is that hubby is due to start two weeks leave shortly and, if my cycle returns to normal, that'll be right during the fertile window. He's already indicated that he's hoping to 'get in a few extra tries' so we'll see what happens.

There are so many more things I want to write but I am becoming so conscious of being a grump about all of this. I know that I have changed as a person as a result of our losses, and some of those changes are good. I also know that there are some I have yet to come to terms with, including the friends and family that haven't been supportive of us and I am really struggling to reconcile with what that means for us and our relationships with these people going forward. So many issues to sort through. Looks like we have plenty more time!

And now for something completely different...

I am sitting here trying not to think about being pregnant. I am officially 1 day late, which never happens, and the line on the HPT was probably an evap as I accidentally fell back to sleep (I can barely hold my pee for longer than 2 hours, so I took it when I got up in the middle of the night). It was so super faint that it probably wasn't even there. But... I have no AF symptoms, and lots of EPS and I am just willing myself to believe that it is just the metformin messing up my cycle.

But all this not thinking reminded me of a little incident when out shopping with hubby on the weekend and I thought I would share. We were on our way home and he asked if we needed to do anything else, so I said, "We could stop at the supermarket for an HPT." He gave me a blank look, "What?" So I said, "We could stop and buy an HPT so I can POAS to see if we have a BPF and I can forget about this TWW." He looked totally confused, so I explained, he nodded and then said, "How do you remember all that so quickly?" Quickly? I've been living in this world for months!

Pregnancy announcements (where's the nearest hole, so I may hide?)

I had a feeling my team leader was pregnant, something about the absences and the explanations she gave to others. And the little wink to me after she told someone she wasn't eating properly.

She confirmed this a couple of weeks later, saying she wanted to tell me in private before any announcement was made at work. She's been so good in that regard, and I thanked her. We had a hug, a cry, swapped early pregnancy stories and then that was it. I said I wouldn't ask her anything, but I was happy for her to talk with me if she needed to.

I also had a feeling the other teacher was pregnant. I can't say exactly why, although I did see a hushed conversation between the two of them which may have tipped me off. Turns out they are due 2 days apart.

There's also another teacher I feel sure is pregnant. She's eating differently, has been away a couple of days recently and, more to the point, has been avoiding me like the plague. Which is odd as she is my closest friend at work. So it's either that she doesn't want to tell me something she fears will upset me, or she's doing that thing of avoiding the lady who loses all her babies in case the bad luck rubs off on her. Either way, this one is probably the most hurtful. She didn't even come to ask me how I was feeling after the others announced their pregnancies at a school function and I was visibly upset  (which I hated, but I'm getting used to!) I think that is my biggest clue so far. We'll see.

The day they announced was horrendous. I knew it was coming as my team leader warned me. She said they'd try to do it at a break time so I could slip away for a moment. The whole teaching team would be at an off site professional learning activity, and I told her thank you for thinking of me. I just wanted people to focus on her news, not my reaction to it. In the end, the Principal made the announcement right at the beginning of the day. The Assistant Principal came to warn me, but had the nerve to say that I shouldn't be too upset as 'everyone knows you're trying'. Not everyone knows that we have been successful four times, I wanted to scream back at her, but just forced some kind of smile to my lips.

Only the office manager came right to me after the announcement was made, looking for a tissue. She kept an eye on me all day which was lovely. Support from an unexpected source, when as I said, my closest friend at school didn't even ask once if I was doing ok.

I cried on and off for the next half hour or so. I just wanted to be anywhere but there. I don't think it's jealousy as I am genuinely happy for these two beautiful ladies and their partners. I think it is anger for myself and for my babies that they were never acknowledged for celebrated in the same way. The only thing worse was lunch, where I had to hear all the questions about tests and scans and food aversions and so on. Again, it was lovely to hear about their experiences, but it was as though I was being deliberately excluded from a club I am very much a part of. Two things made it worse.

One was hearing that at least they were young and things should go well, and that they should be happy they weren't over 35. Unbelievable. Can you not see me sitting right here? Are you saying my losses are my own fault because I left it too late to try to start my family?

The second thing was hearing a mother of 3 saying that she got drunk and ate all sorts of food she 'shouldn't have' the week before her first was born as 'what could go wrong now?' Do you have no idea of the number of still births and babies who dies in the days after they are born? How can you be so blasé?

This past Tuesday was the worst of all. My team leader had been for her 12 week scan the week before and was getting all her results and had announced her pregnancy on Facebook the night before. She came in to work positively beaming and I was so happy for her. But when she started talking about how all her immunisations were up to date and her vitamin levels and so on, I had to go find some other work to do. I couldn't sit there and listen to it. She hadn't been for any preconception appointments, hadn't had any blood tests, just naively went in and everything was working out fine. Pretty sure this one was pure jealousy. I felt like a terrible person but I just couldn't help it. How is this right? How is it fair? What more do we have to do?

The worst thing is this. If finding out a colleague is pregnant can make me feel like this, what will happen when it's a member of my family?

So it's PCO...

A lot has happened in the weeks since I last updated this blog.

I passed my 37th birthday, still not pregnant.

We passed the due date of our second angel baby.

My sister in law gave birth to her second child.

Hubby's birthday passed.

Two colleagues announced their pregnancies at work.

I went for a 3D ultrasound and was told I have PCO.

Sometimes I just want to hide. It feels like it is all too much, I seem to be just drifting from one day to another, not hiding from anything but not really dealing with it either.

My birthday was hard. I should have had a tiny 8 week old baby. I should have been pregnant, about to give birth. I should have been ready to announce a pregnancy. I should have been going for my first ultrasound. Instead, I was sitting in a restaurant being told that I should be happy that at least I could have a drink.

Baby's due date came and went. This was the only one who had a confirmed due date, one we had time to get used to and even had a pet name for. This was a hard day. I thought about taking the day, even the morning off work. In the end, I just went in so as not to be home alone.

The arrival of our little niece was uncomfortable. Hubby's family are in the UK and we haven't seen them for almost 3 years. This little one was due about the same time as ours. All his younger siblings have children, 6 between them. I have one niece on my side. As the older siblings in our respective families, we are the ones still waiting.

Hubby's birthday was ok. He doesn't enjoy celebrating at the best of times, I made sure to spoil him. He was just a little sad not to hear from his family until after the day had passed.

The pregnancy announcements at work were hard, as is the day to day reality of working in that environment. More about that in another post I think.

So then came the scan. AT the time, the specialist doing the test said everything looked fine. ''Nice big ovaries with lots of eggs'' was how he put it. Turns out that meant PCO. The fertility specialist doesn't think I have PCOS as my periods are always so regular and I obviously ovulate regularly due to the number of pregnancies. He's prescribed metformin as he told me this can regulate the associated hormone imbalance which he feels is likely the reason behind our losses. he seemed quite optimistic that this would 'do the trick' as he put it.

So at least we have an answer, finally, and a plan of action. I've got a prescription for 4 months. The FS thinks I'll fall again before it runs out, and he's given me a detailed plan of what treatment and appointments I'll have every week up until 12 weeks. I feel unaccountably optimistic this cycle. We managed to dtd at mostly the right time, I'm taking the metformin, that should do the trick! The challenge now will be not letting myself get my hopes too high! Only 4dpo, here's hoping this TWW doesn't drag :)

My first Mother's Day

How do you even approach Mother's Day when you have lost a child?

What do you say when someone asks you if you have any kids?

How do you react when there are people in your life who don't see you as a mother?

These are things I had never even considered until last year.

One thing I am doing is making sure I talk about it, because there are so many women who live with this experience and face it alone. It's not much, but at least I can say something and hope that someone will hear.

I used to think I would never acknowledge Mother's Day until I had a baby in my arms. Even when I worked out dates with my second pregnancy and saw that I would be due just after Mother's Day. I though, "Oh well, I'll wait till the next year for my first Mother's Day." I'm also ashamed now to say that I felt the same way about Father's Day and didn't even acknowledge my husband as a father last year. In fact, the first time anyone called him "Dad"was the ultrasound tech who confirmed our second miscarriage. That still breaks my heart.

I feel much differently now. I know that I am a mother to babies I will never meet, and that my hubby is father to them. I know that as long as we acknowledge that, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I received messages on Mother's Day from four very special ladies and that meant the world to me. I had already told hubby I didn't want a fuss, just a hug and an acknowledgement of the day, and he was more than happy with that. I just hope that when the time comes people show him that same support.

I'm still stumped on the right way to answer "Do you have kids?'' I want to say yes, but I don't want to have to explain that none of them are living. So I say no. I guess it's because I don't want people thinking or even worse, saying, I am not really a mother.

As silly as it may sound, it was watching "The Fault in Our Stars" that really got me thinking about all this. There is one point when the main character overhears her mother saying that if her daughter dies she wont be a mum any more. She later confronts her and her mother replies that she will always be her mother, no matter what happens. That really stuck with me.

I will always be a mother to my angel babies. I hope one day I'll be able to say that to anyone who asks.