Due almost entirely to my own experiences and those I have read about on TTC boards over the last 8 months or so, I am worried for the future of the human race. No, let me rephrase. I am worried for the future of those of us 'blessed' enough to live surrounded by technology.
What I am about to write may come across as biased, anti-male, or even anti-technology - I assure you that is not my intention. I am sure that there are just as many women out there who engage in these kinds of behaviours. I am only speaking, as I said at the beginning, from experience.
I have written before about frequency being a bit of an issue for us. There seem to be quite a few women in the same situation across all the TTC boards that I read. It seems that, for some of us at least, TTC isn't just a matter of OPKs and temp spikes, but of a constant cycle of persuasion and rejection.
A quick search about men with low drive and the impact on conception will yield lots of astounding theories. Does he really want a baby? Have you tried dressing up for him? Have you tried doing it how he wants? In amongst all this, there are a lot of results pointing to low testosterone levels, and I am still not convinced that this isn't true for us. All the signs or symptoms are there, but you can't force a grown man to ask the doctor, right? Along side this though, there are many behavioural patterns that I believe impact the whole area of intimacy, only to be brought to the fore when TTC.
Men who are too tired or stressed.
Men who are just not interested in sex.
Men who are not in the mood.
Men who feel pressure to perform.
Men who just need to reply to this email or complete that task for work.
Men who just need to reach the next save point or beat that lap time.
I have come across many women trying to cope with any number of these behaviours.. It was pretty eye opening to see the huge number of posts on one marriage board (not specifically regarding TTC, just sex in general) who said they were frequently turned down for sex in favour of video games or web browsing. This is where my worry kicks in. These men have only really had access to cheap personal computing for the last half of their lives, what about all the young boys born today who will have an ipad in their hands before they can even speak?
There's a whole lot of literature about the effect of the instant reward structure of many games and other electronic entertainment (gambling, videos, etc) and none of it is very encouraging. Worse still, as I mentioned earlier, it's about intimacy in general, not just sex. It's bad enough being continually turned away and rejected for sexual intimacy, but when this is backed up in every other area of life it can be demoralising. Not being able to go out for dinner because there's a new DLC level pack that's just been released. Being late to a party because the next save point was ages away. Having to leave a day out early because he hasn't had a chance to play all day and feels like the day will be wasted if he doesn't get in a few laps.
I am not saying that video games or technology are the root of all evil. I know that there are many who can moderate their use and technology enhances their lives rather than engulfing it. I know that there are many other factors at play.
I also think selfishness plays a big part. Every time I see someone saying they were rejected because their partner wasn't in the mood, it saddens me; I know exactly how it feels. Every day at work we do things we aren't 'in the mood' for because we know that's how relationships are built and maintained. But we seem to think that it's ok to tell our partner that their needs are less important? I have read more posts than I care to remember written by men who have said blatantly that they have rejected their partners' sexual advances because they found it easier to 'take care of themselves' than put up with the needs or desires of another person.
I know there is much more to all of this than simple "Video games bad. Sex good." If you and your partner struggle to be sexually intimate, especially while TTC, what is the issue that gets in your way? How have you tried to address it? I'd love to hear from others.
Wednesday 20 August 2014
Tuesday 19 August 2014
When the happiness of others hurts
I have had to stay away from my TTC forums since our chemical pregnancy. At 6 months it was already getting to the stage where I was struggling to feel positive about all the new members coming in and then leaving one or two months later with their BFPs. Now it's really hard.
The forums have been a great support for me and a safe place to ask questions and share some of the craziness. At the moment though it's really hard to see all the news of positive test results, especially the test photographs. It also reinforces that, at this point, if I saw that second line, I would probably be terrified. I just wouldn't feel safe or secure. I feel like I have had my chance at a happy, joyful pregnancy stolen away.
I shouldn't feel like this, but when I see someone in their very early 20s talking about how desperate they feel, I just want them to swap with me, for just one day. I know nothing is guaranteed, but I am pretty much at the outer limits of my 'fertile life' here. I don't know how much longer I CAN wait. It'll get to the point where even IVF with my own eggs mightn't be an option.
And every time someone comes on saying how they have only been with their partner for a few months, and then they leave with their BFP the following cycle I just want to scream. Even a movie that I once loved, Juno, makes me annoyed now for perpetuating the fertility myth - they only did it once for goodness sake!
I'm sure I'll be back on the boards soon enough, but with all the other turmoil in my life at the moment, being constantly reminded of what I almost had it just a bit too much to take.
The forums have been a great support for me and a safe place to ask questions and share some of the craziness. At the moment though it's really hard to see all the news of positive test results, especially the test photographs. It also reinforces that, at this point, if I saw that second line, I would probably be terrified. I just wouldn't feel safe or secure. I feel like I have had my chance at a happy, joyful pregnancy stolen away.
I shouldn't feel like this, but when I see someone in their very early 20s talking about how desperate they feel, I just want them to swap with me, for just one day. I know nothing is guaranteed, but I am pretty much at the outer limits of my 'fertile life' here. I don't know how much longer I CAN wait. It'll get to the point where even IVF with my own eggs mightn't be an option.
And every time someone comes on saying how they have only been with their partner for a few months, and then they leave with their BFP the following cycle I just want to scream. Even a movie that I once loved, Juno, makes me annoyed now for perpetuating the fertility myth - they only did it once for goodness sake!
I'm sure I'll be back on the boards soon enough, but with all the other turmoil in my life at the moment, being constantly reminded of what I almost had it just a bit too much to take.
Sunday 17 August 2014
TTC in the age of (mis)information
The whole process of trying to conceive, for those of us who have to plan and monitor our bodily functions in the hope of catching that elusive egg, is full of questions, doubts, and mysteries.
It should be that having access to more information about how our bodies work and how conception occurs should make the process easier, and perhaps in some ways it does. In other ways, all the information so readily available at our fingertips seems to do nothing more than fuel the TTC craziness.
When I last posted I was 12 dpo. I had tested earlier in the day and got a bfn. Right, I thought, only two days till AF is due, I can wait it out. The following day, having had a slight bit of spotting, I tested again. Another bfn. Now, at this point, I KNEW we were out for this month. Sitting alone in the house a few hours later I pulled out my phone and searched "BFP after BFN at 13dpo" What SHOULD have come up is a matter of fact explanation that, at this point, most tests would pick up a pregnancy and most women get reliable results from these tests. What did come up was far different.
I saw board after board, page after page, full of women asking the same question and reading about other women who got their BFP at 14, 15 or 16 dpo. Women who never got a positive home pregnancy test no matter how far along they were when they tested, etc.
Then I searched about spotting at 13dpo and if it could be implantation bleeding. Same thing.
It really is disheartening. What I was looking for was confirmation of my gut instinct. What I found instead was false hope.
Will it stop me searching in the future? Not a chance. I know there is valuable and reliable information out there. Will I steer away from certain pages and message boards? I can guarantee it!
I'd love to hear from others who have had the same struggle with information overload. Do you have a story to share?
It should be that having access to more information about how our bodies work and how conception occurs should make the process easier, and perhaps in some ways it does. In other ways, all the information so readily available at our fingertips seems to do nothing more than fuel the TTC craziness.
When I last posted I was 12 dpo. I had tested earlier in the day and got a bfn. Right, I thought, only two days till AF is due, I can wait it out. The following day, having had a slight bit of spotting, I tested again. Another bfn. Now, at this point, I KNEW we were out for this month. Sitting alone in the house a few hours later I pulled out my phone and searched "BFP after BFN at 13dpo" What SHOULD have come up is a matter of fact explanation that, at this point, most tests would pick up a pregnancy and most women get reliable results from these tests. What did come up was far different.
I saw board after board, page after page, full of women asking the same question and reading about other women who got their BFP at 14, 15 or 16 dpo. Women who never got a positive home pregnancy test no matter how far along they were when they tested, etc.
Then I searched about spotting at 13dpo and if it could be implantation bleeding. Same thing.
It really is disheartening. What I was looking for was confirmation of my gut instinct. What I found instead was false hope.
Will it stop me searching in the future? Not a chance. I know there is valuable and reliable information out there. Will I steer away from certain pages and message boards? I can guarantee it!
I'd love to hear from others who have had the same struggle with information overload. Do you have a story to share?
Monday 11 August 2014
When all you do is wait
It's always funny how time seems to drag by so slowly day to day, but when you look back you realise that weeks or months have passed by almost in an instant. At least, that's how it seems to me a lot of the time.
As I sit here nervously awaiting the arrival of AF, I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my chemical pregnancy. In the days and weeks that have passed since then I have tests, appointments, reviews, more appointments... and days of doing absolutely nothing at all. There have been days that hubby has come home and asked what I have been up to, and I have genuinely not been able to think of a single thing that I did - not even sitting in front of the television! Other days, I have been so full of nervous energy that I have cleaned every room in the house three times over, cooked more food than we could ever eat and been our of the house two or three times.
Right now I am having one of the nervous energy days. I am currently 12 dpo (or possibly 11) - this time last month I got my first BFP. I was scared to test this morning, but I did anyway. Pretty sure it's negative, but there's something almost there that keeps catching my eye. So I am doing just about everything I can think of to keep busy to avoid thinking about it.
I keep telling myself how silly this all is and that I should just wait 3 more days for the arrival of AF, but at the same time, I just want to know.
I am not usually one for over analysing every little sign or symptom, but I feel almost the same this month as I did last, two unusual symptoms that I have not had before are feeling the need to pee even after I have just been to the toilet and an incredible headache. The headache is outstanding in the fact that it has lasted for four days and does not go away at all. It's also localised to one side of my head making it even sensitive to touch. I never get headaches like this, and never for this long.
So, as usual with this whole TTC saga, I'm waiting. I know there are many more women and couples out there waiting right along with me, but it feels like such a lonely time.
As I sit here nervously awaiting the arrival of AF, I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my chemical pregnancy. In the days and weeks that have passed since then I have tests, appointments, reviews, more appointments... and days of doing absolutely nothing at all. There have been days that hubby has come home and asked what I have been up to, and I have genuinely not been able to think of a single thing that I did - not even sitting in front of the television! Other days, I have been so full of nervous energy that I have cleaned every room in the house three times over, cooked more food than we could ever eat and been our of the house two or three times.
Right now I am having one of the nervous energy days. I am currently 12 dpo (or possibly 11) - this time last month I got my first BFP. I was scared to test this morning, but I did anyway. Pretty sure it's negative, but there's something almost there that keeps catching my eye. So I am doing just about everything I can think of to keep busy to avoid thinking about it.
I keep telling myself how silly this all is and that I should just wait 3 more days for the arrival of AF, but at the same time, I just want to know.
I am not usually one for over analysing every little sign or symptom, but I feel almost the same this month as I did last, two unusual symptoms that I have not had before are feeling the need to pee even after I have just been to the toilet and an incredible headache. The headache is outstanding in the fact that it has lasted for four days and does not go away at all. It's also localised to one side of my head making it even sensitive to touch. I never get headaches like this, and never for this long.
So, as usual with this whole TTC saga, I'm waiting. I know there are many more women and couples out there waiting right along with me, but it feels like such a lonely time.
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