S.M.E.P. - Take one! Action!

After everything that has happened the last 12 months, I decided that something had to change. When I looked back over my apps, it was clear that there had only been 4 months in that time that we technically tried at the right time. The first few months were hit and miss while I came came off Implanon and wondered what my cycle would do. The next saw the pressure starting to build for hubby and just not being able to dtd at the right time. Then the first early loss (I'm trying to avoid using the term Chemical Pregnancy ever again) then a missed chance, then the miscarriage, then not trying... A woman on one of the forums wrote that her husband tried to console her by saying that they hadn't really been trying, that's how I feel. All this time has passed, but we've never got it right.

After reading and hearing all about the SMEP I decided to look into it. I've pretty much worked out that I usually get a positive opk on cd16, so the plan was to dtd on cd10, cd12, cd14, cd16/17 and then cd19. That's heaps for us. In fact, if we stuck to that it would be more in 9 days than in the whole time since the miscarriage. I was sceptical, so I asked hubby what he thought. He assured me that it had reached the point where he would do whatever it takes, although he did also admit some worry that we could 'do all that' and it still wouldn't work, so what was the point? I was still sceptical.

We managed cd10, 12 and 14. CD16 I was refused in favour of late night football, with assurances of a 'double shot' on cd17 (yeah, right!), and cd17 saw us make a start, but not finish in the end. Only the second time that has happened. I tried to play it off, but hubby is feeling so guilty about it. So much so that the back up day on cd19 was totally out of the question.

The other part of this plan is the Robitussin. I did a lot of reading about this before starting as I am really trying to limit the number of drugs in my system after being on heavy duty pain killers for 18 months prior to TTC. The active ingredient works on all mucus membranes in the body, therefore "loosening" CM as well. This can only be a good thing, right?! Unfortunately, it doesn't actually help you create more CM, that comes down entirely to how well hydrated you are and the effects of any other drugs in your system, such as Clomid. So here's the thing. To take OPKs, especially twice a day as recommended. you have to limit your intake of liquid. But to have great CM, you need to maintain/increase your intake. I am sure people can not drink much for 8 hours a day (assuming a four hour hold each test) and still get in their 2litres, but it makes more sense to me to stay hydrated throughout the day to keep the process running! Also, a couple of 35 degree plus days meant that there was no way I was not drinking anything for that long!

So, I took the Robitussin and I drank lots and I noticed a big difference in the amount of CM. So that's one positive.

I really feel our timing was all wrong again but am holding on to a sliver of hope because our cd14 effort was very late at night, technically almost cd15. There's a chance some of those little swimmers hung around long enough for one of them to meet that egg. But I am not testing. Hubby has the day off the day after AF is due, so if she's a no show then we might go out and buy a test. For now I am 3dpo and we just wait. Again.

Wait... did you pee on this?

It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks around here.

10/12dpo  I'd been feeling all the same symptoms as with my previous pregnancy so we went out and bought a couple of hpts. There was the tiniest, faintest line but hubby wanted a closer look so he grabbed the pee stick from me, by the test end! Holding it up to the light, squinting he suddenly thrust it back to me, "Wait... did you pee on this?!" He spent the next 5 minutes almost scrubbing his hands raw - you would think after all the 'mess' that we have been through so far with TTC it wouldn't be such a big deal. I got a bit of a giggle out of it and that was what I needed at the time.

We decided to keep the other test for Christmas Eve, 14/16dpo. After watching in vain for that second line I spent the entire day in tears. It still doesn't take much. Another chemical pregnancy for Christmas. AF arrived Christmas day with no mercy. It really hit me hard. Not only was I not pregnant making this almost 12 months, but we didn't have the baby we were 'supposed' to have. I should have been 20 weeks. Half way there. Instead I was a mess and I well and truly spoiled Christmas for the two of us.

New Year's Eve wasn't much better. 2014 had brought nothing but pain and while I wanted to see the back of it, I just can't see how changing the numbers on a calendar is going to make a difference.

I have read so many blog posts in the last couple of days from women on this same journey, some 3 or 4 years into it, who are all full of light and hope and positivity and I'm just not feeling it. I'm hurting, we are hurting, and I'm tired of the platitudes. I'm tired of hearing it'll be our turn soon, or that next Christmas will be different, or that we can always turn to IVF. I don't even have it in me to respond to these comments any more.

This journey isn't fun. It's hell, physically, mentally, emotionally - the whole lot. Yes, it'll be worth it in the end, but that doesn't take away the pain of now. Every time someone jokes about how terrible the holidays are because their kids are home all day, how lucky we are to be able to sleep in late or how they wish they'd stopped at one, people who belittle and degrade their children for a laugh... I can't bear it.

I know that people try and put on a brave face for the outside world and you can never truly know the hardships that other couples experience, but this TTC thing is hard and I'm just not ready to greet it with a false smile and forced optimism.

Happy New Year? We'll see.