All our tests are back and the results are all clear. Which is great, but has left me feeling a little more lost. There's nothing in any result so far to suggest a reason for our recurrent early losses.
I'm also struggling with the fact that yesterday should have been my last day of work before beginning maternity leave following the school holidays. All our losses have had an impact, but the little one that I carried the longest has left the biggest mark. I look at all the growing tummies and beautiful babies that are posted on my instagram feed every day. I am so happy for these lovely ladies and their families, but there are times when it just hurts so much.
I cried all the way home in the car. The day had been ok, I thought I would manage, but as the final bell rang and everyone started calling, "See you in two weeks!" it all hit home. Yep, I'd be back in two weeks, not finally getting started on the nursery, the hospital bag or all those countless other things that women on maternity leave apparently get up to.
I'm also getting a little tired of people telling me not to worry and that it'll be our turn soon. Maybe it will, but should that make the pain of loss any less? And what if it isn't? What if further tests show that we are one of those statistically infertile couples? Then what platitudes will these people offer?
So what's next? Our lovely new doctor has referred our case to the local hospital clinic. Unfortunately, having no private health insurance, we just wait to hear back from them regarding an appointment. She feels that they may bump us up the queue as we were there for the miscarriage. Alternatively, if we do fall pregnant again before then, they'll see us immediately.
We know that's not going to be any time soon, due to the recent arrival of AF. Right on time as usual. It sounds so bizarre to say, but I knew I wasn't pregnant this time. I'm starting to get a bit of an idea of what my body feels like in the days after around 7DPO when I am pregnant, and I felt none of that this time. As usual I held out a little hope, everyone says that every pregnancy is different, so there's always a chance... but it wasn't to be. So roll on April.
We didn't even talk this year about not trying during April to avoid a Christmas baby. Looking back on all those conversations, even though we kept trying in the end anyway, just seems so frivolous. If the choice came down to no baby, or a baby born around Christmas, I know what I would choose. A child in our home, in our arms, would be the greatest gift of all.
Saturday 28 March 2015
Sunday 15 March 2015
What to do when you don't know what to do
I haven't updated for a while but it's Sunday and I'm home alone so now seems as good a time as any!
Things have been pretty rough. Passing the 12 month mark has really kicked us around and add to the mix another early loss. The week before, I had visited my GP for the first time since she confirmed my pregnancy in September last year. I saw her look at the notes regarding my miscarriage on the screen and she said nothing. Strike one. I was seeing her regarding a hard to shift chest cold/cough that I have had since the beginning of the year and all she recommended was wait and see if it goes away. Strike two. I also mentioned that I was finding it difficult to lose the weight that I had put on following my miscarriage and that returning to work had made things trickier, her advice was to quit my job. Strike three.
Really, we have been talking about changing doctors for a while. The only thing tying me to this doctor was the fact that it is super close to work meaning I can go before or after school, and that she knows my history of the last 10 years or so meaning I don't have to go over it all again. But neither of us were really impressed with her seeming lack of empathy or advice for our situation. Even when I mentioned that it was 6 months since the miscarriage and that maybe it was time for further investigation, she told me not to worry for another 6 months.
So when I lost another pregnancy the following week we decided it was time to take the plunge and see a new doctor. Couldn't be happier with the result! The new doctor took one glance at our history and sent us off for a whole lot of tests right away. She thinks that the fact I fall pregnant seemingly easily is quite encouraging and that many of the causes of recurrent early loss are relatively easy to treat. That was new to us. She was also encouraged that my cycle is pretty much like clockwork and that this was another positive sign. She also suggested karyotype tests for both of us to rule out chromosomal problems, something that we had never been told of before. All in all, I had 8 phials of blood drawn! It was supposed to be 12, but the nurse rang her lab to check that she could double up on a few of them. We are still waiting for the results as the karyotype takes a couple of weeks, but we both have a bit more optimism knowing that SOMETHING is being done!
We have also just passed our fertile window for this month and the change in hubby since coming off anti-depressants has continued. We managed the 2 days before ovulation, O day, and 2 days after, same as the last successful cycle. We shall see.
Things have been pretty rough. Passing the 12 month mark has really kicked us around and add to the mix another early loss. The week before, I had visited my GP for the first time since she confirmed my pregnancy in September last year. I saw her look at the notes regarding my miscarriage on the screen and she said nothing. Strike one. I was seeing her regarding a hard to shift chest cold/cough that I have had since the beginning of the year and all she recommended was wait and see if it goes away. Strike two. I also mentioned that I was finding it difficult to lose the weight that I had put on following my miscarriage and that returning to work had made things trickier, her advice was to quit my job. Strike three.
Really, we have been talking about changing doctors for a while. The only thing tying me to this doctor was the fact that it is super close to work meaning I can go before or after school, and that she knows my history of the last 10 years or so meaning I don't have to go over it all again. But neither of us were really impressed with her seeming lack of empathy or advice for our situation. Even when I mentioned that it was 6 months since the miscarriage and that maybe it was time for further investigation, she told me not to worry for another 6 months.
So when I lost another pregnancy the following week we decided it was time to take the plunge and see a new doctor. Couldn't be happier with the result! The new doctor took one glance at our history and sent us off for a whole lot of tests right away. She thinks that the fact I fall pregnant seemingly easily is quite encouraging and that many of the causes of recurrent early loss are relatively easy to treat. That was new to us. She was also encouraged that my cycle is pretty much like clockwork and that this was another positive sign. She also suggested karyotype tests for both of us to rule out chromosomal problems, something that we had never been told of before. All in all, I had 8 phials of blood drawn! It was supposed to be 12, but the nurse rang her lab to check that she could double up on a few of them. We are still waiting for the results as the karyotype takes a couple of weeks, but we both have a bit more optimism knowing that SOMETHING is being done!
We have also just passed our fertile window for this month and the change in hubby since coming off anti-depressants has continued. We managed the 2 days before ovulation, O day, and 2 days after, same as the last successful cycle. We shall see.
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