My first Mother's Day

How do you even approach Mother's Day when you have lost a child?

What do you say when someone asks you if you have any kids?

How do you react when there are people in your life who don't see you as a mother?

These are things I had never even considered until last year.

One thing I am doing is making sure I talk about it, because there are so many women who live with this experience and face it alone. It's not much, but at least I can say something and hope that someone will hear.

I used to think I would never acknowledge Mother's Day until I had a baby in my arms. Even when I worked out dates with my second pregnancy and saw that I would be due just after Mother's Day. I though, "Oh well, I'll wait till the next year for my first Mother's Day." I'm also ashamed now to say that I felt the same way about Father's Day and didn't even acknowledge my husband as a father last year. In fact, the first time anyone called him "Dad"was the ultrasound tech who confirmed our second miscarriage. That still breaks my heart.

I feel much differently now. I know that I am a mother to babies I will never meet, and that my hubby is father to them. I know that as long as we acknowledge that, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I received messages on Mother's Day from four very special ladies and that meant the world to me. I had already told hubby I didn't want a fuss, just a hug and an acknowledgement of the day, and he was more than happy with that. I just hope that when the time comes people show him that same support.

I'm still stumped on the right way to answer "Do you have kids?'' I want to say yes, but I don't want to have to explain that none of them are living. So I say no. I guess it's because I don't want people thinking or even worse, saying, I am not really a mother.

As silly as it may sound, it was watching "The Fault in Our Stars" that really got me thinking about all this. There is one point when the main character overhears her mother saying that if her daughter dies she wont be a mum any more. She later confronts her and her mother replies that she will always be her mother, no matter what happens. That really stuck with me.

I will always be a mother to my angel babies. I hope one day I'll be able to say that to anyone who asks.

What to say? What to do?

I will reflect more on my own experiences in the days to come I am sure, but in the meantime, I wanted to share this information that I found.

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Have you or someone you know lost a child? While Mother’s Day may be a painful trigger for bereaved moms, it is also an opportunity to celebrate these women and their children. Here are some ideas to honour them this Mother’s Day:

1. Affirm her identity as a motherA woman’s love for her deceased child never dies, nor does her motherhood. Celebrate the mom who carried her baby, no matter how briefly, and is strong enough to wake up each day and keep going after the death of that child. Recognize her by wishing her a “Happy Mother’s Day;” she is a mother and deserves happiness. Let her know you are thinking of her.  

2. Celebrate her childTalk about the baby that died and use the child’s name. Look at pictures and discuss the experience. Bereaved mothers will generally commemorate the anniversaries of the baby’s birth and death, but Mother’s Day provides another cherished opportunity for remembrance. 

3. Spend quality time togetherOn a day that is likely to be lonely for the bereaved mom, instead of a card in the mail, give the gift of time. Your attention and friendship will create a lasting impact. Have lunch in a restaurant, go for a hike or create a new memory together. The mother may wish to visit her child’s gravesite, light a candle or scrapbook the baby’s footprints or funeral program. Doing these activities with the bereaved mother will be quality time she will greatly treasure. In the case that the mother wishes to be alone, suggest another time to do something meaningful together.

4. Give thoughtful giftsWhile a dozen roses and a box of chocolates may be nice, show you care through a meaningful and relevant gift. There are many companies that make bereavement jewelry, statues and ornaments. Other ideas include books, picture frames, candles or personalized keepsakes. Or you could make a donation to a hospital, bereavement program or charity in the child’s or mother’s name. Even a thoughtful letter may be the perfect way to show you care.

5. Ask how she is doing and listen
Ask the mother how she is coping and welcome her vulnerability. The best approach is to let her do the talking. Know that you do not need to solve the event or fix the emotions; these things need to be experienced and expressed and this is often helpful in itself. Create a safe environment for the bereaved mother to share. You can do this by open body language, eye contact and active listening. If the mother is struggling, encourage her to take good care of herself and find support.

A woman never stops being her child’s mom, whether her baby is with her or not. Bereaved mothers have survived excruciating pain and yet carry on. This bravery deserves recognition—especially on Mother’s Day.

International Bereaved Mother's Day