Don't even think about it

 

That's how I feel about this time every month.

I think, “I might be pregnant” and then a series of completely irrational thoughts take over. I'm sharing a few of them now in the hope that is anyone else is experiencing thoughts like this they wont feel so alone, or fearful of being called (or feeling) crazy.

First I think, don't get your hopes up. Every time you look forward to something it goes wrong.

Then I think, you're probably not pregnant anyway. After all this time, what are the chances?

Then, even if I am pregnant it doesn't mean anything. The chances of another miscarriage are unbelievably high.

Then, that's probably why you're not pregnant, so negative. Show some faith.

Then, that's probably really why you're not pregnant, God wont bless you with a miracle that you doubt.

Then, what's that got to do with anything? We had sex during my fertile window, we have as much chance as anyone else.

Then, I might be pregnant.

And so it goes.

...

Nothing I could think of seemed an appropriate title for this post.

Yesterday was the estimated due date of our last baby. So that's it, we have now passed that last 'milestone' for want of a better word.

Life has been pretty busy, with all that goes around buying and moving house, so we haven't really had time to reflect too much. I said a little prayer for our angel, and its siblings in heaven, and then got back to packing. 

For some reason, I suppose because 'she' was here longest, our second pregnancy is the one I fixate on. The one whose birthday I think of, whose first Christmas I mourned and whose loss I just can't comprehend. So while I feel like I should be focusing on the baby whose arrival we should have been celebrating yesterday, in the back of my mind all I can think of is the looming 1st birthday that we wont be celebrating.

This probably all sounds terribly depressing but the truth is I am actually doing better at the moment that at any time in the past 18 months.Partly because we have been talking about other options, nothing in depth but just mentioning the possibilities of IVF, adoption and so on, which helps to realise that this might not be the end after all.

What does scare me however is that next month will mark 2 years since we started this crazy journey. I could never have imagined it would turn out like this.