11 Weeks

11w1d...amazing.

I am still not convinced that the scan tomorrow will go well and I am getting a little tired of people (GP and hubby) trying to calm me. I don't really need reassurances, I need to be allowed to explain how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

I also feel a little like my anxiety is just being explained away as a result of our past losses, rather than being offered any help or ideas for how to cope with it. I tried to explain to my GP yesterday that I was having trouble sleeping and that I just can't imagine that everything will be ok tomorrow, and she just said, "Well, you know that from past experience."

This is once huge area where I feel I've been let down repeatedly. My first GP who knew I had a history of depression didn't even mention anything after our first loss. After our second I had to ask her about seeing someone. Our new GP seems to think that because I can talk about it, I can handle it. Even when we were sitting in the hospital this year, just having found out that our baby had no heartbeat and being asked how we wanted to proceed, no one even offered us a piece of paper with support services listed, and how hard could that be?

I keep trying to tell myself that everything seems to be going well. I have had no real cramping and no spotting or bleeding. When I say no real cramping, I have had some weird stretching/pressure pains low down in my pelvis and from what I could explain my physio seems to think that it's pelvic girdle pain. I have still been feeling super tired, partly from not sleeping well and also because I haven't had my normal mid-afternoon nap the last couple of days - to try and help me sleep at night! My always low level nausea flared up for a couple of days but has died right down again, as long as I eat at least something small every couple of hours I am ok. My skin is going dry, something I have never had in all my life. Other than that I am increasingly forgetful (I put it down to fatigue) and emotional. The last ridiculous thing I got teary over was an old episode of Stargate!

I just want to stop analyzing everything but I also know that this isn't likely. I'll go to the scan tomorrow and if everything is fine, I'll be ok for a couple of days and then I'll start worrying about what we'll see on the next scan.

Family announcements

I have written previously about having three work colleagues announce their pregnancies, all due within two weeks of each other, and the toll that this took. I also mentioned at the time that I didn't know how I would cope if it came to a family member announcing their pregnancy. Now I know.

Last year my aunty publicly announced that my cousin was expecting her first. Thank goodness I wasn't able to attend the function (for a completely unrelated celebration) as I am sure that no one would have thought to 'warn' me ahead of time. That was horrendous, especially coming just before the first anniversary of one of our losses, and the only way I have been able to cope was to 'hide' my cousin and aunty from my Facebook as they live too far away to see face to face. I still have to manage people wanting to tell me all about how wonderful and gorgeous her little boy is, which I am sure is all true, but I just can't bear it myself. She's much younger than me and hadn't even been married a year when her little one was born. I remember thinking at the time that I could just about handle that, as we had never been incredibly close (due to age and geographic location!) but I was dreading finding out that my much closer cousin was expecting.

I just found out yesterday.

I have to say, it wasn't a surprise. I had actually been thinking about her most of the morning, wondering if they were trying, and so on. When I visited my nan she started with the rather formal, "I've been asked to tell you something" and I thought I was about to get a telling off for something I had or hadn't said to my mum (guilty conscience?) Instead, she told me that my cousin was expecting and is currently 13 weeks. I was ok until she said that she'd been asked to tell me so that I wasn't alone when I got the news, as they knew it would make me sad. Then I cried.

Then I tried to explain, through tears and hugs, that I'm sot 'sad' but a whole lot of other things. And that I am genuinely happy for my cousin but that it just makes me that much more aware of what we have lost.

I almost wanted to tell her, "So am I!" but as we have decided to wait I managed to bite my tongue. I did remind my nan that my cousin's baby would be her 4th great-grandchild. It felt important that she know that (even though technically 6th, but they only know about 3 of our 5 losses).

The pain I feel is completely different now to what I expected. She's due just 3 weeks before me. I feel even more certain now that something is going to cause me to lose this baby and it's going to ruin me because unlike the other cousin on the other side of the family, this cousin I see 5 or 6 times a year and for every major holiday and family birthday. There is already a little underlying... jealousy I suppose is the word, for how apparently perfect her life has been and this would just top it off.

Part of me knows that thinking this way is irrational, yet after all our past experiences I just can't imagine having a baby of my own to hold. I suppose only time will tell. Truth be told, I am nervous about visiting my nan over the next few weeks as my cousin often pops in at the same time. I just don't think I can face that at the moment.

10 weeks!

It's so hard to believe as I write this that I am 10w2d and everything is looking good. I still can't get my head around it, but then, I am not really trying to. It's easier to keep it in the background, rather than focus on it too much. Even that is easier said than done.

I have just had the results of my weekly progesterone and hcg test. My progesterone has risen to 32.5 (104 in the 'old' scale) which, finally, is the over 30 I was expecting to see all along. I have had to double my dose though, so I am now on 400mg twice a day. At the moment I am using two 200mg pessaries morning and night, which is incredibly uncomfortable but at $17 a day I don't want them to go to waste!

My hcg was 108,000 last week and 99,000 this week. It is normal for it to drop starting now and my GP was happy that this was just a small drop and nothing to worry about, she'd only worry if it was down by half. She also doesn't want me to have it tested next week (it was the specialist who suggested it) and I agree. At this point, it isn't telling us much about baby so I don't need the extra numbers to stress about! I have already spent the morning thinking that maybe baby died in the past day or two and it has only just started dropping and that's why it wasn't half yet... PAL is so full of anxiety!

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We still haven't told anyone about this baby except for one or two close friends and I almost feel like the longer this pregnancy continues the harder it gets. For example, I was considering telling my parents if today's results came back ok. Now I am thinking that I should wait until after our scan next week in case anything happens in the meantime. But then we are having the Harmony test done the same day and I know I will want to wait until after that comes back... It just goes on.

I know when it does come to telling that there will be so much angst, and I am having a hard enough time coping on my own, let alone dealing with all of that. After the "Why didn't you tell us sooner?" will come the, "Are you eating/drinking/resting enough?" and the constant checking up. Worse than that will be the platitudes that things will be different this time, or I just have to keep positive and so on. I know that I wont be able to respond to those sorts of comments lightly, because NO ONE knows how things will turn out this time and telling me YOU think it will is really no help at all.

I suppose the biggest problem is that I know the kind of support I need, and I know it is not the kind they can give. I need low key, check in every now and then, how are you going in general kind of support, not obsessive calling or messaging every day, questioning every appointment and decision and wanting to be around me all the time. We don't have that type of relationship normally and it frustrates me when they expect that to change all of a sudden. 

I also guess it is a lot to do with the lack of support in our losses. I know everyone thinks they are doing the right thing, or doing their best, but again, they're not listening to what WE need. For example, I repeatedly said after our most recent loss that I wasn't going to be calling people, but if they wanted to talk to us, call me and I would answer if I could. Pretty clear I would have thought. Yet my mum has only called once in the last month, and that was to tell me about something that had happened to someone else. Still, every time I see my grandmother she asks me if I have called my mum yet...

Next week is full of baby related appointments. GP on Wednesday for more progesterone, weekly blood test on Thursday and harmony test on Friday. They give us a quick scan before, just to make sure baby is ok before we pay for the test! If I can make it to Friday I might be able to breathe a little easier.

As the days go by

 
Every day is a new experience, we have never been this far in a pregnancy before. As exciting as you might think this is, for me it just increases my anxiety around how I will cope if things don't turn out.

The past Wednesday was a challenge, as I had to return to the same hospital and clinic as our last pregnancy, something I had vowed not to do - but hospital admin will have it's way.

I thought I was in the clear as I was scheduled to see a completely different team, until the high risk registrar showed me through to her office and that very doctor was sitting at her desk! I just froze and couldn't go in, tears coming out of nowhere. I managed to explain and she ushered him out, explaining to me she wasn't even sure why he was there in the first place.

The appointment was quite positive, after this initial appointment, and one more, they are confident that I can switch to the other hospital, if everything continues to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I explained my fears about the progesterone levels and they did a quick scan for me - baby measuring a couple of days ahead (give or take) and that gorgeous little heart beating away.

The scan in itself was quite surreal as I was back in the same room as our scans for the previous pregnancy and I was sure that there would be no heartbeat - I was already thinking that so the room just added to the fear. The lovely doctor even held my hand as the tech did the scan.

She also measured my blood pressure and was surprised at the high reading, but was more than willing to put it down to my worry over the baby and the distress at seeing the other doctor. She asked me to have it monitored whenever I visit my GP.

Since then I have had my weekly follow up on my progesterone levels. My last check was 39 (12 in adjusted terms) and this time was 55 (17). I had been told that my levels would go up quite quickly, I was expecting something more than this although if I compare the results, it has gone up more in the last week than in the previous 3, so that's something.

My GP also tested my hcg to pass on to the genetic counselor, the result was only 108,000. They all think that this is fine, as levels slow after 6 weeks and also after reaching such high numbers. Still, this is a doubling time of 10 days based on my previous result, which was 3 weeks ago, so not really useful for comparison.

I have to have progesterone and hcg monitored weekly until at least 14 weeks, so we shall see what happens next.

My daily medication regimen is now 200mg progesterone twice a day, 5mg folate, 100mg aspirin, 850mg metformin and my prenatal vitamin. By far the most disruptive is the progesterone. The night dose is not too bad, but as I have to lay flat for at least 30 mins after, the morning dose is a pain on work days - but so far seems to be worth it!

I was supposed to be having my combined first trimester screen blood test this week, and 12 week scan and harmony test two weeks after that. Now I am having my weekly bloods this week, screening bloods, harmony and scan the following week at 11 weeks, and my 12 week scan a week later at 13 weeks.

It still seems surreal to think about making it that far, and as yet I haven't booked our appointments. That's my job for tomorrow, if I can summon the courage.

When the numbers don't add up

I have had three tests so far to measure my progesterone.

The first was at 4w5d and was 16.8.

The second was 6w and was 27.7

The third was at 8w1d and was 39.

Or so we thought.

- - -

On Friday night I received an urgent message from my doctor, who just a couple of hours earlier had told me how good my progesterone was looking. Apparently, she had been reading the numbers wrong, using the wrong units as she put it, and my numbers were actually low.

In a blind panic, I picked hubby up from work and raced to the clinic to see the genetic councilor who had noted the incorrect number and had written my a prescription for progesterone pessaries. They promised to wait behind for us to arrive.

All the fears of the day and the stresses about this pregnancy that I had been trying to hide come flooding out. I had been having cramps on and off for a couple of days, maybe we were too late?

As a reassurance, they offered us a scan then and there. They tried an abdominal scan but my bladder wasn't full enough to give a clear picture. We saw baby, but nothing was clear. I looked for that little flicker but saw nothing. Bladder emptied, we tried an internal scan and there, almost at once, baby's little heart flickered on the screen. Measuring high, I thought, at 180bpm but most certainly there and measuring perfectly.

They're convinced that we caught it in time, as my levels were still rising, just slowly and lower than they would like. Turns out my numbers were actually 5.8, 8.65 and 12.18. I'll be visiting the doctor on Wednesday to find out what happens next as I think they want to do weekly monitoring of my levels and have me on the pessaries until 14 weeks.

Typically, the terrible bloating that I have had for the last couple of weeks has also died down over the weekend, making me feel as though my 'bump' is gone, just another reason to stress but I am trying to keep my anxiety under control.

Let's hope that a completely avoidable medical mistake hasn't cost us our little one.

A Whole New World

I have never seen a line like this in my life. Any thoughts that I was late due to the after effects of the last miscarriage or left over hormones flew right out the window! I am pregnant, again! I am currently 8w6d and further than I have ever been before.

We visited the doctor for blood tests to confirm, on my birthday. What an amazing but terrifying gift! My hcg was high and progesterone looked great (more on that next time). We decided, due to the horrible stress surrounding our last pregnancy, that we would treat this one as 'normal' as possible, until something indicated otherwise.

A follow up blood test showed my hcg was higher than I'd ever seen it (22 000!) and progesterone was still rising. I've had no spotting at all this pregnancy and after I reached 6 weeks I even stopped wearing a pad to work "just in case."

We booked in for our first scan just before 8 weeks, on hubby's birthday. I was sure we were jinxing ourselves, afterall, we had never made it past 7 1/2 weeks before, did we really want that kind of news on a birthday? Everything went perfectly. Baby was in the right place, measuring exactly the right size (based on when I thought I had ovulated due to my pains at the time) and with a gorgeous little heartbeat. Bliss. The sonographer took her time, explained everything we were seeing and recorded the scan for us to take home, even giving us a few photos. Something normal for others I suppose, but nothing like we had ever experienced in 4 scans at the hospital during our last pregnancy.

We are currently booked in for our 12 week scan and NIPS on the 6th of July and I have the paperwork for my combined first trimester screening for next week at 10 weeks. It's all new and very scary but so far things are looking positive.

Here's to seeing what comes next!